One of the things I have been learning is that when I feel hurt or wounded, there’s a lot underneath the surface. I want to dig into this as I wonder “does anyone else feel this way?”
Recently, someone I deeply care about was disappointed in me, and that really hurt. I know that when criticism, let down, rejection or relational loss (real or perceived) hit, I can easily feel wounded.
I was curious if I could put words to the whirlwind that can come when I experience emotional pain. I think it’s hard for many men to do this, and if I can give voice to what another man may be experiencing, it might help. So here it goes…
What It Feels Like
When I walk through emotional pain, I often experience a flood of thoughts and emotions that can be difficult to put a finger on and work through. To me, my thoughts and feelings can be like…
“Blew it. Failed.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I did it again, see? I”ll never change.”
“Idiot.”
“I’m a disappointment.”
“I am too much– I should run away from this.”
I may feel ashamed. I can feel angry. Inadequate. I may feel like hiding, or not talking. Or, like being alone.
But often what I really feel deep inside when I have let someone down is sadness. And sadness is one of the hardest things for me to handle.
To me, sadness often comes with a sense of rejection. When I am hurt, it can feel as though something is wrong with me, or that a part of who I am has been rejected by someone I deeply care about. That can feel like a deep, soul-level loss that weighs heavily on me, with sadness burrowed underneath it all. And this is a mystery that I want to unravel further.
There is real sadness within me for emotional hurt or disappointment I may have caused someone I love.
There, as well, is a broken sort of sadness that comes when my identity gets distorted, and I become “the failure”, “the let-down”, “the disappointment”.
In both cases, I’ve lost something that mattered to me. And that hurts.
How I Want To Respond
When I hurt…
It’s more natural for me to want to begin coping, rather than working through the feelings and healing. I want to look for numbing or soothing. Instead of moving toward the hurt, I instinctively want to move away from it and towards something that comforts or brings me pleasure. Yet I know: unhealthy coping produces an unhealthy reality– a reality where I am less present, less alive.
I also find myself wanting to withdraw, lash out in anger, defend myself, blame others, go silent, be distant, or punish myself. These can provide an illusion of feeling relief in the short-term. But the problem is, these responses don’t fix the issue. Instead, they often create more damage and more distance, not only to myself, but to my relationships and my community.
Another Way
But I am slowly learning another way to go when I hurt. I won’t lie: it’s incredibly hard for me to willingly take this approach. But it’s better than what I knew before.
When someone I care about is disappointed in me and it hurts, my mind may shift to ‘I think something is wrong with me.’ But before reacting to that, I have now been slowing and filtering what I know and what I am experiencing through a lens of reality and identity.
I ask: what really happened, what am I really feeling, and why does it hurt?
Then, I ask: who am I? What do I actually believe about myself?
And finally: how does God see me?
Rather than running from the hard feelings, I try to move towards them with curiosity, in light of my answers to the questions above.
I become curious about the disappointment, shame, inadequacy, and rejection (real or perceived), instead of afraid.
I now try to draw near to what I feel, and slowly back towards others to repair damage and restore the relationship.
But here is where I personally find comfort and security, because in it all, that’s what I’m really looking for. I know there is only one who can actually sit with all of me– every part, the good, bad and ugly– and stay in it fully, never leaving or rejecting me. And the more I know God, the more confidence I have to stick with it.
A Choice To Move Forward
I have discovered I can choose.
I can choose which way to go. I can choose to become curious and discover where the pain is coming from, which I hope will ultimately bring healing.
I believe the more I understand who I am, and the more consistently I move towards healthy ways to approach my pain, the more confident and optimistic I am about what is developing within me. The stronger I become to navigate what comes my way in the future. Everything may not have a fix or a perfect solution, but I know that I can always grow.
Facing my own pain is tough. Staying is harder. Yet, I want to be a man who grows from it and doesn’t run away.
I want to be a man who stays.
-Alex Gerber
Author’s Note: it’s taken a journey through missteps, mistakes, and life blowing up to learn more about myself. I’ve had big support along the way from therapy, family and friends, men’s community, and deepening faith; all these I consider essential to becoming a man who stays…it is not work done alone. If you need resources to navigate, I hope this helps. Reach out to connect (gerberxc@gmail.com). Find professional help. Don’t do this alone!
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