I have recently asked myself this question: How do I know when I am “relationally ready”?
Especially if you’ve gone through a divorce and you are considering a new relationship; how do you accurately evaluate whether you are ready for another relationship? Though I’m writing from my own experience as a man, I believe every question here applies whether you’re a man or a woman preparing for a new relationship.
Well, I found myself reading in the book of Luke again, and a passage I read connected me back to this question. How does this tie in? First, let me share a story.
After my divorce, when I began to consider the possibility of having another relationship, I had been wondering what kind of woman I would want to be with. I even made a list of the qualities I’d be looking for. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this, but I remember showing it to a buddy. He looked at it and said, “Wow, you’re so selfish.”
I was pretty shocked, but I had to ask what he meant.
“Well,” he said, “this list is basically all about you, and what you want.”
And this made me think: What kind of man am I becoming? And what kind of man do I want to be for my future spouse?
It’s easy to spend most of our time considering relational readiness by focusing all of our efforts on examining others and determining if they are going to be the best fit for us. But how much time do we spend evaluating and honestly examining ourselves?
I’ve shared previously about my own journey with integrity here…https://menmovingforward.org/2026/02/14/becoming-a-man-of-integrity/ —about the lie I told as an eight-year-old boy to protect a pocketknife, and how that small lie became a pattern that followed me into my marriage and nearly every relationship after. I called integrity “the state of being whole and undivided.” I was a divided man.
I see this in the heart of what I understood from reading Jesus’s words in Luke chapter 11…let’s jump in.
The “Eye” Is Our “Lamp”
Luke 11:34–36 (NLT) says the eye is a lamp that provides light for the body—when it’s good, the whole body is filled with light, but when it’s bad, the body is filled with darkness. Verse 36 puts it this way: if you are filled with light, with no dark corners, your whole life will be radiant.
I keep thinking about the image of a lamp on a table. It’s been covered up. The light it casts is muffled and scattered. It’s blocked. But instead of going over to uncover the lamp and inspect what’s blocking the light, I begin moving my furniture, hoping the light will spread further. Well, I think, maybe if I shift this over here, I’ll see better. But what about the lamp itself? What am I not actually allowing it to reveal?
What’s in me keeping my whole life from being radiant? Is there something in me affecting how I am seeing myself? A lack of integrity? Hypocrisy? Pride? Wounds? A need to be right? A desperate longing for the approval of others?
A good “eye” is clear, sincere, undivided, and receptive to God, rather than to my distorted desires—to me, this is about clear perspective and vision. The more I consider this, the more I believe relational “readiness” becomes more about the light and love radiating out of me.
What am I desiring above the good of the other person?
The way I see it, this really becomes about light and darkness. Which am I receiving and inviting in? Am I being illuminated or darkened?
At worst, something insidiously deceptive could be happening: darkness masquerading as light.
What might this look like in me? Unrighteous anger responding from my woundedness or bitterness. Control. Greed. My own self-righteousness and superiority. Avoiding the things I truly need. False humility. Fear disguised as something else.
Where am I resisting the truth? Where are the places I might be hiding, rationalizing, or defending my own version of the truth to protect myself and get what I want?
If I have no dark corners—if no bit of me remains darkened—all of me is becoming fully illuminated. Perhaps slower than I had hoped, but with the powerful illumination of the Holy Spirit, it will happen.
If I’m going to scope myself out, I know I need help.
How Do I Carefully Examine Myself?
I start by spending more undivided time in God’s presence—He is holy. In His presence, I become more aware of my flaws and more dependent on His perfection.
Often, my examination is retrospective. I ask, “Why did I really do that? Was it out of a sincere heart, or a desire to be recognized?”
Next, I examine His Word and evaluate myself by its standard.
Then I examine my own fruit—is it full of undivided love?
I also ask those close to me for feedback—what are they seeing?
And I pray, asking God to reveal all of my heart, and to put my love “on the table” (a spiritual operating room).
Finally, I consider my motives before taking action—again, “Why am I doing this?”
This asks what kind of love I am going to be giving. Will it be honest, undivided, self-sacrificial, and wanting my future spouse’s good above my own? Or will it be self-centered, “strings-attached,” jealous, and attention-demanding “love,” with contaminated motives?
This is where I have to thoroughly examine what kind of love I am going to bring in, considering my own pride, self-righteousness, need for approval, wounds, trauma, and healing.
That’s why I am learning to lean on these for feedback as I examine my love: My relationship with God. Trusted friends. My children. A relational-building therapist. Solid community. And, of course, feedback from the one I love.
This process of self-examination, like community and relational therapy, has taken a lot of time, healing, growth, and building.
Reflections of Light
Before being “relationally ready” men, our goal should be to become “haplous” men—clear, sincere, and undivided before God and others. This is what I meant when I wrote about integrity as wholeness. It’s the same fracture and the same healing.
These questions may help you examine how your light shines as you consider your relational readiness.
Am I treating her with understanding?
How do I receive feedback and criticism?
What is motivating my actions?
So, thinking back to what my friend told me at the time, what would my list actually look like now?
I’ve been pursuing a deeper understanding and working through anything I feel might be blocking my love and my ability to express love. So when it comes to a relationship, I’m exploring the things that come up—the old fears, the old patterns, the me that used to respond and react in ways that weren’t healthy, the me that used to defend and blame.
I’m exploring where my wounds are and how deep they go, and how they might still be oozing out into my life and relationships.
But primarily, I’m exploring the things I am afraid of, because if I’m honest, and I sit down and evaluate those things—if I ask God to show me where fear is distorting my own perception of reality and where it is impacting my relationships—He reveals it.
This hasn’t been a perfect process. I’ve had to step back more than once. And that’s ok with me.
But, in essence, my own “list” now looks more like: where are my dark corners?
Moving Forward
God, I want to be a man without dark corners. I want to be whole—filled with Your light and fully reflecting it to others. Please help me.
Reveal the hidden corners of my heart—illuminate them and change my mindset. Purify my desires.
Forgive my sins. Heal the areas of my heart, life, and love contaminated by pride, fear, reckless ambition, hurt, and my own self-centered will.
Help me, please!
-Alex Gerber
*Scripture quotation taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.*