Can a man describe his wrestling with God? A helpless struggle between the created and the Divine?
Why do I feel like a child running and hiding from a parent? Why do I feel like I’m turning my back on the One who really cares the most about me? How is it possible that my heart, in one moment, can run to Him, and shortly later runs away from Him?
That part of me, that hidden part, where the stubbornness, the pride, the rebellion, where those parts live, still tries its hardest to rear its ugly head out.
I can feel tired. I can feel exhausted. Emotionally depleted. And honestly, I often want to give in.
I can lose my motivation to “be good” and “do good.” There’s a part of me that wants to rebel against every part of that. I want to do my own thing. I want to go my own way. I want to make my own choices. I want to be who I want to be for myself.
Honestly, there’s a lazy part of me too– a part that doesn’t want to do anything. A part that wants to sit back and just let things happen. Kick back, pop up a nice cold “heart beer” and let myself just muddle.
What is this?? What’s happening inside of me?!
There’s a wrestle. There’s a battle within. A struggle between my flesh, those old desires, and the Spirit, the new will and desire that is being grown and shaped in me.
And there are times, honestly, when I just run out of steam. When I just want to give up and say, “Ah well, whatever happens can happen.”
Those are times when I find myself relying on my own will, on my own strength, on my own power, turning to myself instead of to my Father.
Those times when I want what I want are reminders of the life I used to live and part of the life I still struggle with.
It’s a wrestle. It’s a daily battle, sometimes hourly. How quickly my heart can turn. And maybe, this is what Paul meant when he wrote Romans 7.
Oh, my fickle heart, will you ever make up your mind? Will you ever decide who you want to follow?
I know what I want. I know what I really desire. And yet, I’m just weak. I have no real chance on my own in this match.
Oh God, help me. Turn your face towards me. Lift me up. Soften my hard, rebellious heart. Change my wills and desires to match yours. Shape me to be more like Jesus in these moments, in this struggle, and in this wrestling.
Please God, help me.