If you’re a guy going through divorce right now, especially a conflicted one, then I hope if you found this and are reading it today that you’ve landed in the right spot.
And I hope this brings something of value into your situation. Because I’m going to challenge you to think about something: your biggest battle may not be in the courtroom, or with your ex, or with your circumstances. The biggest battle you might be facing today is in your own mind.
In my reading today, I came back to something that I think is pretty relevant for your situation — and as well as any man, regardless of his situation. It’s about the way we think. It’s about the mindset we have. It’s about what kind of thoughts we give our attention to. And it’s from Philippians, chapter 4.
Verse 8 says:
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing: fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
I sat and looked at this verse and began to wonder what each of those eight elements really meant. So here’s what I learned.
1. True
Is what you are thinking about actually true? Or are your assumptions filtering into it — your fears, your insecurities, your own pride? What version of the story are telling yourself or others that may not be completely true?
2. Honorable
Are the thoughts that you are entertaining in your mind, especially about someone else, noble? Worthy of respect? Because each one of them carries a weight. Could you say that they are dignified?
3. Right
Right thoughts are the thoughts that you are entertaining and feeding — just, upright, and fair. Do they take consideration for others?
4. Pure
I had to wonder again what this word meant beyond sexual. As I looked it up, I learned it can extend beyond this to clean, innocent, and morally undefiled. I can see this speaking into our motives.
5. Lovely
This was a fairly unique Greek word that in essence means pleasing, agreeable, winsome, or conducive to affection. That’s a tough one. Can I honestly look at my thoughts and say they are conducive to affection?
6. Admirable
Are the thoughts that you are giving room to commendable, reputable, gracious? If they were presented visually, would they be well spoken of and have a good report?
7. Excellent
Are they virtuous, morally good? This is a little bit of a broader category.
8. Worthy of Praise
Are the thoughts in your own head — about yourself, about someone else, about your circumstances — commendable? Do they deserve approval? And are they worth celebrating? Are you finding things that are worth celebrating in your own mind?
“Think”
And the last part of this — Paul says, think about these things. This is far more than just letting fleeting thoughts pass our minds. This is to deeply consider, reckon with, calculate, take into account, and give careful thought to what we give our mind attention to — what we are feeding in our heads, what we are giving space and room for. In other words, what kind of nest that bird is building on our heads.
Now let’s zoom out into the full context of this passage. Philippians 4 talks about being filled with joy in every situation, being considerate in all that you do. Instead of worrying, pray about everything, asking God for what you need and thanking Him for what He’s done. Put into practice everything you’ve learned to fully experience God’s peace.
Now here, I want to be really honest. If I look at this as a “checklist” of the ways I should be thinking — especially as I went through my divorce — jeez, I can see how far short I fell, and still fall. There’s no way I can make up that gap.
And that’s where, at least for me, the context and the rest of Philippians gives me hope. I know I’m not doing this entirely on my own strength or willpower. This is something far greater. A truly transforming mindset comes from the gratitude and understanding of what God has given me, and the hope I have in Jesus, through His Spirit working in me, continually transforming every part of me — especially my thoughts.
My own thoughts often don’t bring me peace. But understanding what God has done, and that He is with me in the process, does. And as I look at these eight ways of thinking from Philippians, there’s honestly only one direction I can look. Only one that perfectly represents all of these: Jesus.
How About You?
If you find yourself reading this feeling like you’ve fallen far short, and this has landed heavy — well, perhaps that’s a good thing.
But I don’t want you to walk away carrying shame. I want you to know that a lot of this is normal in divorce, at least from my experience and what I have heard from other men — the thoughts, feeling bitter, feeling resentful, the struggles, the challenges. I’d rather you walked away from this thinking about an opportunity — an opportunity for how your thoughts are filtered today. And in that, the opportunity to ask God to help you with it all. Here’s a promise for those who trust in Him, and live in Jesus: “His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (verse 7)
Guys, if you’re going through divorce, one of your biggest battles is in your own mind. And I want you to know this: you don’t have to do this battle by yourself.
Moving Forward: 8 Challenge Questions for Men
True — What’s one thought I’ve been consumed in thinking about my ex, my situation, or myself that I haven’t measured against the truth?
Honorable — Would I be comfortable if the person I’m thinking about could hear my thoughts right now?
Right — Am I giving fair consideration to others in this situation?
Pure — What motive is really driving this thought?
Lovely — Is there any affection or grace in how I’m thinking about this person?
Admirable — Would I be ok if my thoughts were put on a screen for others to see?
Excellent — Am I choosing thoughts that are morally good?
Worthy of Praise — What’s one thing in my own mind right now that’s worth celebrating?
Questions or Comments? gerberxc@gmail.com