He was gone– I knew it. An integral piece of the men’s group. And he left quietly.
With this one, I did get the benefit of closeout conversation and a kind of resolution. Busy life, a lot of stuff happening, and no more capacity. I understood. But often, this doesn’t happen.
I lead a local men’s group. I can see when guys come in, and also when they leave. And more often than not, when men leave, they do it silently, and (almost) unnoticed.
I’ll often reach out or try to follow up. I wonder: what happened? But sometimes there’s just something in my gut that seems to know I likely won’t see them again. And that’s really sad to me.
Honestly, this piece is about far more than just trying to answer why men might slip away silently. This is really about what I am learning in it—myself first, then about other guys.
What I Am Learning In The Leaving
In myself, I realize that my need for approval suffers a hit when a guy leaves. I wonder, what did I do? Is it something about me? If I’m not secure in who God says I am, a little part of my identity can be shaken.
I’m learning to be patient. I’ve been learning to extend grace. And I’m learning a lot about curiosity—approaching everything trying to understand, because if I really care about somebody, I’m gonna wanna understand why they left. And finding peace when I don’t get the answers I’m looking for, or any answer at all. That’s what I’m learning about myself.
And learning about other guys? Well, life’s hard. We’re busy. It’s easy to be overwhelmed. A lot of us are really lonely. And sometimes we become looking for attention, looking for connection, looking for a place we can be seen. And if we don’t find it or feel it, we may leave, unnoticed, silently.
It’s sad. I don’t like that. I wish we didn’t do it, but I get it.
But I think I’ve got to wonder, deep inside each man that does this: is he wondering if anyone will notice or pay attention?
I recognize that there’s usually nothing I can do to keep guys from making the decision to leave and leave quietly. But I can always learn something from it, in it, and through it.
If you’re involved in men’s ministry or outreach, I’ll be curious to know if you see the same thing and how you grapple with it. And if you’re a man considering silently slipping away, I hope you take a minute to reflect on this and maybe have a conversation before you go. Otherwise, you may never know what can come out of that.
Not every guy gets that closeout conversation, though. What happens when the answers aren’t found and the resolution’s not made? Do I quit and give up?
Not at all. Yeah, it is frustrating. It’s discouraging. It’s sometimes heartbreaking. But where does this lead?
For me, towards one of the biggest growth areas that I can think of. Because, you see, I wanna be a man who notices, a man who pays attention to the guys coming and going, and especially the going, because in that, it’s probably an opportunity to learn more than any other place.
I can’t stop guys from leaving–it’s ultimately their choice. But in the guys I notice leaving, I see reflections of my own past. I see places I used to be. And honestly, I still fight the urge to slip out and leave quietly, hoping that someone will notice.
Moving Forward
Is there a beneficial community that you are slowly shrinking away from?
If you’ve noticed a guy getting quiet or stepping out, have you said something? Or followed up?
If you’ve come into a space that I have held responsibility for or been involved with, well, then my hope is that you feel cared about and seen. I really care when you show up, and also when you leave.
But, if you do go, please don’t go silently.