Today I found myself wondering what it means to be a good friend. I’ve wrestled with feelings of sadness, disappointment, and frustration that come when a friendship isn’t what I expected it to be or when it falls away. I have also enjoyed the delight of solid friendships (image above 😁). And again, I wondered what God’s word might have to say about this topic and what I could apply to my own life and friendships.
If you’ve had the opportunity to have a tough friendship, you probably know the feelings that can come along the way: burnout, exhaustion, resentment, unmet expectations, assuming responsibility, and feeling burdened by carrying the weight of the relationship. You may look back at some of these friendships that have withered along the way and feel sad, angry, or disappointed.
I know these feelings, and here’s what I’ve been learning.
One-Sided Friendships
I think one of the first things I’ve been learning about friendship is that a flourishing friendship requires engagement and participation from both people. This doesn’t mean it’s done equally. It’s not going to be the same every moment of the relationship. And it shouldn’t become purely transactional. But both people should be contributing in some way towards the friendship.
I’ve got a few questions to explore here if you are struggling in friendship:
Are you finding a persistent imbalance? Look into this curiously. It’s easier to move forward with assumptions or judgment. Embrace a little curiosity here first. Is one of you going through a really hard time? Overwhelmed? Or too busy to put a strong investment into the friendship? There’s a grace- filled way to have a real conversation about this with your friend.
What are your expectations in the friendship? Have you communicated those with the other person? I know for myself that unmet expectations almost always lead to frustration, and for me, they make me want to (consciously or unconsciously) pull away from a relationship.
What kind of patterns are emerging? Are you, or they, always the ones inviting, extending, and encouraging? Are you finding yourself holding on to more and more resentment? Again, this may present a humble opportunity to have a conversation with your friend.
Are you okay letting go of the centrality of this friendship in your life, or even the entire friendship? Friendships may be unsustainably unilateral. This doesn’t mean you should stop loving or checking in, but it might mean that your investment becomes less frequent, or shifts towards another friendship that is emerging in your life. I proceed here with caution, because I don’t want to encourage anyone to or step away from a friendship without very careful consideration and honest conversation, or remain in a harmful one.
Finding a healthy balance in a friendship can be difficult. There are times when we may have to ask: how much does this really matter to me and to them? If you’re at that point, then it’s probably good to have a conversation with your friend. But be prepared to hear what they have to say. I’ve asked that question and have been met with silence from the other side. That hurt. But the silence was the honest answer I needed to move forward and begin investing my time and energy in another relationship.
Seasonal Friendships
I was also thinking about seasonal friendships. This is something that is very hard for me to embrace because, to me, I feel like every good friendship I find is one that I want to last for the rest of my life.
What do we do about friends that come into life for a season, perhaps brought in by circumstances, living arrangements, or changes in life or groups that we are involved in?
Often, but not always, I find the contact of these friendships falling away in time. And not necessarily because of a “falling out”, but perhaps just a lack of proximity and engagement as the season in life changes for one or both of us. I really struggle with these kinds of friendships, because it’s not what I want.
But I have been learning to embrace them. The encouragement I’ve received (and hopefully given) in these seasonal friendships brings me gratitude. I’m trying to understand a little bit more that there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that friendship becoming less frequent. It just changed. And I’ve got to ask myself, am I okay with that?
I also want to bring up the element of seasons within a friendship. There are circumstances and situations when things may change. I know that when I was going through my divorce, I went through a season in which I felt like I had very little to give to my friends. Emotionally, I was in no shape to really invest in my friendships like I may have if I wasn’t going through what I did. That season has changed, and I eventually came to a place where I did have energy and availability to begin investing in friendships again, but when I was in it I really needed them.
Are you finding yourself in that place today, or feeling like you have nothing to bring? Is your friend there? These seasons may come and go, and some last longer than others. Are you willing to stick it out with them?
Christ-Like Friendships
Now, here I began looking at examples of friendships in the Bible. What do they look like?
I look at Paul. Paul had several very close friendships that lasted over time. He also had some friends who fell away.
I see Job, whose friends were present with him during the hardest time of his life, but whose words also were not helpful to him in the circumstances.
I think of the deep bond between David and Jonathan. The loyalty and commitment.
And I think of Jesus with His disciples and the people He interacted with. From what I can read, it doesn’t look like all of those relationships were the same. Jesus had three very close disciples who probably had a little more engagement and interaction with Him than some of the others.
So what does the Bible really say or convey about friendship? Well, here’s what I personally saw emerge from a few passages:
Proverbs 17:17 reveals that friendship is loyal and loving, especially in times of need. “A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in a time of need.” NLT
Proverbs 27:5–6 reveals that friendship brings truth-telling and open, honest communication. “An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” NLT
Proverbs 27:17 reveals that friends sharpen each other. “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” NLT
Galatians 6:2 illustrates to me that the relationship should involve some type of burden-carrying on behalf of each other, especially when the other is struggling. “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” NLT
And Galatians 6:3 is bluntly honest about how we should help: “If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.” NLT
And there is so much more. Romans 12:10 reveals friendship should find ways to bring honor on both sides. 1 Samuel 18:1–4 paints a picture of the committed loyalty of deep friendship. Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 reveals that two are strengthened by each other. Hebrews 10:24–25 shows me that friendship should involve some amount of encouraging each other toward good things in Christ. And lastly, John 15:13 gives one of the most powerful pictures of true, sacrificial friendship:
“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” NLT
Becoming Friends
If I look at all these passages in the Scriptures about friendship, I’ve got to ask myself, what kind of friend am I becoming? Because truly, that’s what matters here.
Am I becoming more consistent in my friendships? Am I unafraid to bring the truth in a gentle and loving way? Am I encouraging my friends toward God and toward good things in their lives? Am I carrying their burdens and inviting them to bring them to me? Have I been laying down parts of myself, the things that I desire and want, for the good of the relationship and for their good? Am I engaged and present within the friendship?
When I’m met with frustration in friendship, I’ve been learning that there’s a lot more to explore, first about myself, and then about the other, before jumping to a conclusion or shutting a door. Even if I don’t feel like it, or am scared of approaching the hard places in my friendships, I’ve been finding fruit in honest conversations with friends about what I’m noticing, seeing, or sensing, and also in my own willingness to remain open, humbly listen, and accept what I hear.
Lastly, if, despite my efforts, a friendship does wither, I’d simply want to know that I gave it my best. I’d want to know that I showed up, was present, and loved the other person for who they were.
Moving Forward
Regrettably, I’ve been far from perfect and I’ve had friendships that have suffered because of it. But today is a new day and a new opportunity to pursue becoming a better friend.
How about you? What opportunities are ahead of you in your friendships today?