Last night I had a chance to sit around a fire with nine other guys. For the start of July, with a daytime heat index near triple digits, a breeze blowing off a nearby lake was refreshing. As the evening cooled, we had an opportunity to talk about how success had shaped who we are.
Normally, I’ve been accustomed to answering another question—how failure has shaped who I have become. This was an opportunity to explore a different perspective on how we are being shaped as men.
Perhaps one of the most significant questions a man can consider is how he defines success. This may certainly reveal what he is pursuing, what motivates him, and where he finds his purpose. What a man considers to be success provides good evidence for the direction his heart is aiming.
I was pleasantly surprised that the conversation had little emphasis on career accomplishments or material possessions. It challenged some of my assumptions about how men define often define success.
One of my biggest takeaways was the importance of relational investments, love, and finding purpose in life as markers of success. I also found myself reflecting on how the development of inner character and resilience are also aims of a life well lived.
For myself personally, as a man who once saw success as achieving the American dream, the perfect family, the stable job, and playing the role of husband and dad well, I have now come to measure success differently.
To me, lasting success is measured by the love I give. As a divorced dad of two daughters, I regularly find myself asking,
“Did I love them the best that I possibly could have while they were with me?”
For my girls to know they are loved unconditionally and that nothing can or will take away my love for them is, to me, great success as a father.
And who I am becoming, slowly each day, is being defined by small successes in character growth that connect to my relationships—growth in patience, integrity, compassion, humility, extending mercy, and, above all, love. The more I develop through right choices and small character successes each day, the more I am being shaped into the man I want to be.
With success, we each have to ask ourselves what we are aiming for—this points toward where we are heading. For me, my goal for success is not ultimately to be a better version of myself, but to rely on the One who perfectly models who I want to be—Jesus.
How we are being shaped by failures or our success matters. I had been anticipating this gathering for some time, and I did not walk away disappointed.
I am incredibly thankful for opportunities where men can gather together, talk candidly, share our stories, and enjoy time together while getting to know one another.
This is helping me better understand what really matters to me, and to other men.
-Alex Gerber
Written for MEND Collective