I have heard more than one guy going through divorce say “I was blindsided”.
This made me wonder…
Why might there be a disconnect between what a man and his partner perceive about their relationship quality?
Especially if one partner is pulling away and the other thinks things are fine? Maybe a better understanding of this could help explain why some men might feel blindsided when their relationship breaks down.
I’m not claiming to have an answer, but I found the responses I received on this topic to be interesting. Here is what I heard when I asked several men and women what they think about why some men might feel blindsided when relationships break down.
Feedback
J- “My opinion is that communication is key!!! No doubt about it if everyone would be open, honest, and kind with their words about how they’re feeling about the relationship on any given day it could stop the beginning of the downward spiral of the destruction of the relationship. Too many people wait until it’s too late in a relationship to be open and honest and that’s where the relationship starts to go downhill.”
P- “A marriage to me is like a business. If you want it to be successful and profitable, you need to work on it… invest in it (time, love, commitment, etc) and it is the work of two people. If one partner is not on board with making the business a success then that is a problem.”
J- “Silent load, hidden load. It all builds resentment in a woman which is never heard or allowed to be spoken on… A man can feel when a woman is distant or pulls away. They either say it’s ‘her’ problem or ignore it. That’s the first sign of a failed marriage.”
S- “I think something generally true is humans are bad communicators. We don’t always know what we want or need… We don’t always communicate our wants and needs in ways that those who love us will understand. We don’t always do a good job listening to those who love us when they try to communicate the same…Relationships are damaged when people don’t know themselves well enough to ask for the things they need. When people don’t know how to listen to the needs of others…If someone was blindsided, either someone wasn’t communicating or someone wasn’t listening… or both.”
My Takeaway
Here are a few things I think we men can do that might help.
We can work towards providing the right space where the other partner can truly feel understood or heard.
We can improve our “relational awareness” by spending intentional time enjoying our partners asking curious questions that give valuable relational feedback– feedback we consider and take action towards to serve our partners lovingly.
Last note– I’ve seen that many men are perceptive enough to pick up on signs of relational breakdown before it is too late. But knowing how to “fix” the relational issues is a complicated issue and a topic for another time…
Moving Forward
Understanding why men feel blindsided might be the first step toward preventing it. Guys, would you be willing to be vulnerable and ask your partner this question?
“Is there anything in our relationship that you feel I’m not seeing or understanding?”
I would love to know what you learn.
-Alex Gerber