The Hidden Man Series
The comment came out of my mouth without much thought. It was lobbed with a sarcastic chuckle. The response? “Wow, that was a snarky comment.”
I had to think about that.
Snarky. What does that mean?
Looking up the definition of that word, I was honestly disgusted. Disgusted with myself. This isn’t who I want to be. Why in the world do I feel the need to lob a little jab or comment toward someone I care deeply about?
I decided to dive into this to discover what was lurking underneath. Tiny jabs, small comments, dripping sarcasm, often launched without much thought. They all inflict wounds. Tiny little wounds that might be overlooked. Maybe the other person lets it slide once or twice, or several times. But repeatedly, these tiny little jabs begin to produce a larger wound. Little comments that aren’t encouraging. Little snide remarks that make me feel right.
Where was this coming from?
I began to take a journey deep inside myself and inside my own mind, wondering: insecurity? Fear? Doubt? Frustration? Anger? What is it? The more I looked closely, the more I began to recognize a deep need inside of me to be right. To prove myself. And this need to be right often stemmed from being wounded in some way.
In this instance, it was tied to correction I had received over something very benign. I had done something and had been corrected that there was a better way to do it. So afterward, when I saw the other person doing something that seemed to conflict, I decided to launch a little jab, almost subconsciously. It just came out, but there was still thought behind it.
Really underneath, I began to wonder what was behind my own wounding. How easily offended am I? Even a gentle correction from somebody who loves me can feel like part of my manhood is being taken away. Even in that, I feel the need to defend myself and prove that I’m right. Worse than that, to even criticize the other person.
Hurt people hurt? Yeah, I can see this. But it’s particularly concerning considering how slight the hurting can happen and how easily “the hurt” can become “the hurter”. It doesn’t take much. Really, honestly, it doesn’t take much for me to be offended. I think this reveals some deep insecurity and inadequacy.
So why do I have to feel the need to be right? What am I trying to protect? My own competence? I wondered if I feel diminished as a man when I’m corrected, and I have a need to restore my size. Or perhaps I feel rejected. Maybe correction to me feels like disconnection, and I’m not sure quite how to, in a healthy way, restore the connection. Or maybe I want respect, and correction feels disrespectful. For whatever reason, correction threatens my manhood.
Another thing I was wondering is, who am I really trying to win against? The other person? The person that I care deeply about? Myself? Really, when I think about it, I’m not sure. Am I trying to regain control? Maybe a correction or a criticism left me feeling out of balance, and I needed to restore the balance. I needed to restore my own sense of control that I have for my image and myself.
Whatever it is, I’ve noticed one thing. Sarcasm is a very learned behavior for me. It’s a way for me to express my hurt without actually saying it in a healthy way. It’s a way for me to express some part of how I’ve been wounded or what I’m feeling without needing to engage in the difficult conversation or perhaps just share my emotions or feelings about the situation.
I mentioned that being wrong makes me feel unmanly. What I mean by that really, deeper down, is being corrected makes me feel like I’m not enough. Little wounds, little criticism, little feedback, little corrections from others, even the slightest, can shake my own sense of identity. They can disrupt what I believe about myself. And they reveal how eager I am to prove myself right. How eager I am to prove myself. The need and the desire to prove something to someone else, especially someone close to me.
So the question is, what if I just absorbed these things? What if I took them instead of coming back and needing to win, needing to be right, needing, in some sense, to restore my manhood or my respect? What if I absorbed them? Could I do this? I think it depends on how I perceive myself.
If I recognize—but really, if I understand—who I am and my identity, I shouldn’t feel the need to have to correct, to have to win, to have to get back, to have to restore something I felt I lost. Because I know my identity in Jesus. I know who He says I am. And yet, often, I don’t respond out of that.
This is a struggle that, honestly, I’ll probably be in for life. And I wonder, do other men struggle with this? Is there more to explore here? How do you respond when you are corrected, even if it’s a gentle correction, particularly from someone close to you? How does that go inside of you? Even if you take it well on the surface, does it want to come out at a later time and win? Do you want to hold on to it and be a winner down the road?
I know I do. I know I struggle with that.This is a battle I hate.
Jesus, I need your help.
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