Compassionate Divorce
How in the world do these two things sit together? Is it even possible?
If you are going through a divorce or have gone through a divorce, especially if it’s been conflicted and/or children have been involved, you probably understand what I’m saying. In a divorce like that, it can feel almost impossible to extend compassion toward your ex.
I really wanted to write this for any guy, in any divorce situation and beyond. I wanted to start out gently in these waters. But, I also wanted to be honest.
Maybe you are reading this thinking you’re not the problem here. I’m not saying you are, but I’m asking you to keep reading.
Here’s a danger I want to point out first, before we jump further in. You can be nice. You can be polite. You can be kind and respectful. But in your heart you can honestly be hating—hating her– your ex, everything about her (to be clear, I’m distinguishing this kind of hating from hating what she may be doing)
Because as men who may be losing (or have lost) the most intimate connection we have ever had on this earth, men who may have been shattered or betrayed in divorce, we can feel pain like we have never felt before. And that can make us want to blame every other part of things, including our exes, without diving into the darkest, hardest, most painful parts of ourselves.
Yes. I’m speaking to men. I have sat with enough of us, myself included, to know that it’s pretty easy to point our finger and ignore what we may be responsible for– our own hearts.
Today, I want to dive into a passage I’ve been reading in the sixth chapter of Luke that applies to me, to you, and not only to divorce but to a number of different situations. Jesus’ words are powerful and somehow manage to turn our hearts upside down and give them a good shake.
Luke 6:27–28
“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
Luke 6:32–36
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”
Luke 6:37–38
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you.”
If you are or have gone through a tense divorce, then likely the most conflicted piece of that is likely your relationship with your ex—how you see that person.
And I know for me, it’s far easier to look down my own nose in judgment than extend the compassion that Jesus commands here. So what does this mean, and how might it apply to a divorce situation?
Well, guys, we talk a lot about boundaries, and it’s easy to say “I won’t let this person…”, “I won’t let my ex…”, “I’m not going to…”, “They can’t…”.
I’m not saying these things are bad. It can be important to have boundaries when there is injustice and mistreatment. It’s important not to overlook wrongs that are really being done. It’s important that children and those involved in the divorce are being protected and their well-being is sought after. All these things matter. And please note– this piece isn’t meant to offer guidance for abusive situations—if that’s where you are, please seek help from a professional or local resource before anything else.
Guys, what I’m aiming at here is what I think Jesus was aiming at: our hearts. Especially our hearts toward others.
So here’s what I see when I look at this passage.
The first thing I notice is that there’s a starting point. It all starts with God. He is kind to the unthankful and the wicked. He’s kind to those who don’t care about Him. He’s kind to those who mock Him and insult Him. He’s kind to everyone under the face of the sun. And He is very kind toward His children.
And so the second part of this that I see is the assumption that, in reading this, you’re hearing and understanding this as a child of God. Do you have a real relationship with Jesus? Do you know God as your Father? To me, this seems to be the perspective of the relationship that Jesus is speaking into between a father and his children. God is the perfect Father.
So if the assumption is that you are His child, then the appropriate response is found in Jesus’ command: love your enemies, do good to them, and show compassion, just as your Father is merciful. If you are His child, live like it.
So practically, what does this look like?
If I give a list here, it might be easy to want to check the boxes off as a sort of behavioral goodness check. But Jesus always goes far deeper than behavior. He’s going toward our hearts—what is actually happening inside of us, in our motives and desires.
He wants to work to transform those deepest parts of us– the parts that would want to condemn and hate another person, that would honestly want the worst for them, that would hope that they fail or fall short. These are the parts of our hearts that Jesus intends to change.
This is far more than external behavioral modification. This kind of changed response flows from a heart that’s truly changed and transformed by the Holy Spirit, by God’s Word, and by the power of Jesus Christ working within us to change our very desires and thoughts—to turn us into men who truly understand love, God’s perfect love. And then, from the outflow of that, move toward others who have hurt us the most deeply and respond in compassion.
Compassion does not overlook justice.
Compassion does not ignore what’s right.
Compassion and mercy, to me, go hand in hand. These things tie in together so that the right response is produced.
Abuse is not overlooked, and yet compassion flows freely.
So practically, what might that look like if you’re going through divorce right now? Well, moving forward, here are a couple ways.
Examine Your Thoughts
What am I thinking about my ex right now? Am I hoping she fails? Do I want her to fall flat?
Maybe it’s checking her social media hoping to see she’s struggling, or feeling a surge of satisfaction when you hear things aren’t going well for her.
Let’s examine our thoughts.
Examine Your Motives
“Why am I about to do this?”
Regardless of what it is—whether it’s an email, a text, or a discussion with your attorney about what you want to do—examine your motives. Before telling your attorney “I want to fight for more parenting time”—is it really about the kids, or about winning?
Examine Your Words
How am I speaking about my ex with others? Are my words gracious and kind?
Have I really examined the log in my own eye before pointing out the speck in my ex’s?
If your kids were listening, would you still be willing to say what you’re about to say?
Examine What Is Just
No matter where I am in the process, is what I am doing just, fair, and reasonable for everyone involved?
Are you pushing for more custody time because it’s best for the kids, or because it lowers your child support?
Ask what is the right thing to do, and make the next right decision.
Look for an Opportunity to Do Good
How can I move beyond just “not doing something bad” and actually do something good for my ex? What opportunity do I have today to demonstrate compassion and kindness?
Is there a way I can take care of my children that would honor my ex’s wishes? Is there something I can take responsibility for that my ex did not ask for?
Maybe it’s covering a bill or expense that’s technically hers to cover, without making it a bargaining chip.
Examine Where You Are With God
Do I see myself as someone who has received His mercy, kindness, and compassion? If so, how will this move me to respond and act today?
What about you? What if you’re a reader who doesn’t know exactly where you’re at spiritually? What if you’re in the middle of the mess, still grappling with what is unraveling, and wondering where in the world God fits into all of this?
Even here, I still see an opportunity—an opportunity to consider the words of Jesus and how they might apply to your situation. No man’s circumstances are exactly identical, but I do believe you will find value here if, at the very least, in examining your motives.
And if you don’t have a relationship with God, I’d encourage you to consider it today.
Reach out. I’m here to talk.
-Alex Gerber, gerberxc@gmail.com