A resource for men wanting honest help in understanding a decision to pursue (or not pursue) a prenuptial agreement in marriage or remarriage.
Should a Christian get a prenup?
This question was recently presented to a group of divorced men. Some had lost a lot going through divorce. Some were considering new relationships and possibly remarriages. I hope that what I have learned can become a helpful resource for you if you are navigating this question personally, or walking through it with someone else. If you’re a man really wrestling with this, I encourage you to slow down and listen to what God might be saying to you.
There’s already some available literature on this topic, led by Russell Moore in his article “Are Prenuptial Agreements Okay For Christians?”, which challenges a contractual versus covenantal view of marriage. This view on prenups is countered a bit by Pastor Doug Wilson out of Idaho. I’d encourage you to check some of these out (references at the end of this).
As we dive in, I’ll first give my own opinion on this topic. Next, I’ll present my takeaways from the responses of the divorced men who contributed to the conversation. Then, I’ll share what I learned from several church leaders. Finally, I’ll examine how Jesus might have responded to this question.
Before you start, if you don’t really know much about the details of prenups for your state, I’d encourage you to look into them– this will allow informed conversations about this topic to happen. I’ve shared a link to a short video on prenups from a legal perspective (again, references at the end)
I’ll admit– the dialogue around this topic has exposed my own heart. I have seen my own desire to be “right” emerge. It has been personally challenging to stay respectful in disagreements, listen, and stay engaged in this with other guys, no matter where they may stand. I’ve done my best to approach this from an honest and understanding perspective.
Really, if you want to skip most of this and get straight to the point, I could summarize this whole write-up by saying: your motives matter to God. In whatever you learn here and whatever decision you make with your future spouse regarding a prenuptial, I’d encourage you to consider this verse:
“No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8
And now…
My Take
I can’t speak with certainty about your situation. I’ve never been in your shoes. But I do know that only God really knows a heart. If you’re asking this question today, I think I’d want to slow down and first be curious about what might be underneath this question.
What’s motivating it? Love? Fear? Control? A desire to serve and steward well? Greed? Wounds? Protection?
I personally couldn’t find anything in the Bible about prenuptials. But I can find plenty of content on motives, love, marriage, sacrifice, stewardship, and serving others. I know if this question were brought to me by my future spouse, I’d personally be a little concerned. I might wonder: is there something she is trying to protect that is more important to her than me?
As a man, I would want to know why she is asking the question. Is there something she is afraid of? I would like to know what she believes about marriage. I would, in a sense, be probing into what her investment in our marriage will look like. I’d certainly be open to having a real conversation about this all if it really mattered to her.
Concerns would arise in me if I felt this was motivated by self-protection or fear. I would wonder if my future spouse would be able to fully dive into the “oneness” of marriage with me if she intended to keep things separate.
I know– divorce really hurts. It leaves wounds. If those wounds are not addressed, tended to, or healed, they can bleed into the next relationship. Fear and self-protection are two primary examples.
My take–men, if these two become the underlying motivation for our choices and actions before marriage, they may NOT ultimately bring about what is good for others (including our future spouse). They may NOT fulfill Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself”. And, if brought into marriage, I believe they will interfere with the instruction to “love your wives the same as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.”
It’s not like I don’t have anything to be afraid of– I have children, and I lost a lot in my divorce. But I have learned that what I have, I am grateful for. God has supplied exactly what I have needed. I am more than eager to share this with my future spouse.
Finally, from my perspective: If your future spouse is not on board with getting a prenup, then you have a decision to make, because (at least where I live) a binding, legal prenuptial takes two.
Perspectives From Some Divorced Men
Here’s what I learned from some divorced men:
Many men lost a lot in divorce– it cost them a lot of time, energy, and money, and took a heavy emotional toll. All spoke from personal experience.
Some noted there’s nothing in scripture forbidding prenups. Most were willing to discuss or consider them. Others felt that choosing not to have a prenup was ok for them.
Some don’t believe asking for a pre-nup is the same as communicating that they aren’t committed to the relationship, or are making plans to leave. In contrast, they believe it may open up transparency in communication and finances before marriage.
There was recognition that when a man gains an abundance of material assets, it often carries a weight of responsibility that needs real consideration. I saw a question arise here: would he be open to a prenuptial if the tables were turned?
Some believe a prenup is simply wise stewardship and allows a husband and wife—not lawyers or the state—to determine how their assets will be handled.
Some viewed prenuptials as an important way to protect businesses, children from previous marriages, or premarital assets.
Finally, I noted this: not everyone agreed or held the same views, but men could engage on this topic in respectful conversation.
Perspectives From Several Christian Men’s Leaders
I reached out to several pastors, men in church teaching or leadership roles, and leaders of Christian men’s organizations in the US to ask how they would respond to this question. Here’s what I learned:
There was concern about what a prenuptial might communicate. I learned that, while not explicitly forbidden, some may feel that it’s not a good idea, biblical, or wise.
I learned that there may be situations some might consider it.
I learned that there is a concern that maintaining financial separation while claiming to have a unified marriage may not add up.
I learned that some may feel that prenuptials may be allowed by law, but ultimately miss the spirit of marriage.
I learned that, depending on motives, a prenuptial might limit the “one flesh” aspect of marriage that aims for unity and transparency in all aspects of marriage.
I learned that some may feel that a prenuptial might bend the marriage aim towards contract rather than covenant.
I also noted a challenge to men to really think through whether they are prepared to be married, and with the right person.
And, regarding marriage and remarriage, it was acknowledged that possible tension created by (or unilateral pushing towards) a prenuptial might bring some to consider whether a marriage should happen or not.
From what I have gathered in these responses– if you are a divorced Christian man considering a prenuptial, proceed with caution, wisdom, prayer, and counsel.
This also made me wonder– If a Christian man is really wrestling with this, is he willing to ask his pastor about it? Is there something within his wrestling that would keep him from asking? I know if a man is remarrying after divorce, he will certainly remember what he lost in his divorce. Will he carry it on with him in silence?
What Might Jesus Say?
I will not claim to have an answer here. While there’s nothing in the Bible that talks explicitly about prenuptial agreements, Jesus talks about divorce, motives, money, stewardship, and possessions.
So what does He say? Luke 12 gives a good picture of where he might aim on this topic. Take the time to explore it.
On Hypocrisy
Read Luke 12:1-11. He would challenge hypocrisy in a heart.
What are you really intending? Don’t be a pretender.
Don’t pretend to be “stewarding” when you are really being possessive. Don’t pretend to be generous when you are actually being stingy. Don’t pretend to be looking out for someone when you’re looking out only for yourself.
Perhaps, asking for a prenuptial might be hypocritical if you are saying a marriage is “one flesh” while acting as if everything is still yours. Or, you want protection for yourself while neglecting to protect your future wife. Or, you are saying it is “stewardship” when it is really fear from your divorce, or old wounds.
Examine your motives. Is there any stage acting happening if you are intending to pursue a prenuptial?
On Greed
Greed is mentioned many times in the new testament– right up there with the worst kinds of sins. Read the Parable of the Rich Fool, where Jesus says,
“Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.”
“A person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God.”
On Worry
Would Jesus see if there was something you were worried about? Is worry driving your decision to get a prenup? Read Luke 12:29:
“Don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things… Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need.”
On Desires
What do you really want? Jesus knows. If you want intimacy, honesty, openness, vulnerability, oneness, and unity in marriage, will a prenuptial help you get those? What do you really desire?
Read Luke 12:33:
“Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven… Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”
On Stewardship
As Christians, he calls us to steward what we have been given. Will a prenuptial be the best way for you to steward what you have been given, including your future spouse?
Read Luke 12:42
“A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other servants and feeding them.”
And Luke 12:48
“…When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.”
Motives Matter
To me, Jesus always seems to really ask where our hearts are. What do you treasure? Whom do you serve? What are you trusting? What are you unwilling to surrender? Are you generous? What sacrifices are you willing to make? He always seems to go right to the heart of our desires and motives, and what drives our actions. I would encourage you to explore the book of Luke and the Gospels if you want to learn more about this.
Moving Forward
Personally, I’m very thankful this question was asked, and I am thankful for spaces where we can respectfully engage, agree, and disagree. I’ll be straight on my take– at some point, your future wife will see through your motives if you approach a prenuptial agreement out of fear or self-protection rather than wisdom and love for her. Honestly, there might be some better questions to ask here. In whatever you choose to do, ask yourself:
What are my motives? How is my divorce experience and/or my wounds influencing my thoughts about my possessions? Can I please God and honor my future wife and marriage with this decision?
What we do with our possessions reveals what we treasure and trust, and how we approach this topic may give a window into our hearts. Generosity flows from a heart transformed by love. And so does wisdom. Are you willing to seek guidance on this? Whatever your conviction regarding a prenuptial agreement, consider asking a bigger question:
How can I best love my future wife, faithfully provide for my children, wisely steward what God has entrusted to me, and care well for the people who depend on me?
Finally, if you are not convicted to pursue a prenuptial agreement, there may be other practical ways to steward what has been given to you without one. Intentional financial planning together before marriage is a wise choice, but consider your motives when considering your options. Consider joining a local Christ-centered divorce support group, if available. Find a Christian financial advisor you and your future spouse can talk with.
Your situation may come with a lot of baggage and unique considerations. I don’t think there’s a cookie cutter approach or blanket advice for everyone, and I’m not giving a list of practical applications to solve your situation. But if you are a divorced man, I encourage you to face the things you are afraid of. Explore the areas and things you might be clinging on to. Pay attention to your convictions. Examine yourself– are you ready for remarriage? And if you choose to move ahead, use whatever resources you may have to advance God’s Kingdom in and through remarriage.
I am truly thankful this question was brought up, because I have learned so much! And if you are wrestling with this, I hope you have the courage to ask someone you trust about it. But before you ask them, ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?”
Above all, I encourage you to bring this honestly to God. And please, talk with your pastor. Have a conversation about what is coming up.
I’ll be happy to talk.
-Alex Gerber
Resources
Prenuptial Agreements Short Video:
https://youtu.be/b0u7ZEBvomc?is=Fih8yC_qLdH5HKxM
Are Prenuptial Agreements Okay for Christians? – Russell Moore https://share.google/vcSp1V1V1J9jZZ6V3