I’ve had quite a few conversations with men who have felt dismissed, ignored, or overlooked by “the church”.
Men going through hard times who have wanted support and connection but have not found it within the walls or programs offered by a church they tried to connect with– and they have left disconnected. The point of this article is not to criticize, but to invite you into a conversation on this.
A Starting Point
Personally don’t think the church or church programs are intended to fully fix this issue. But I do think there is a space within the church—that is, the body of Christ—to step in, intervene, and be a part of these men’s lives.
Why am I talking about churches?
Because churches are often places where men’s communities form. Churches often offer men’s groups, men’s events, men’s breakfasts, and men’s Bible studies. Many times, these are offered as larger events less frequently. Sometimes they’re weekly, like a Bible study.
And for some churches, there’s not a lot—at least nothing a guy can easily find. They may have an empty website, disconnected communication, lapses in men’s events, or more. It may take a lot of digging in and reaching out to get plugged in. On the part of the man seeking, it takes asking for help, and, I know, this can be a hard thing to admit.
How Can The Church Help?
Men want to connect. And to me, it’s all about building relationships. This points towards a common barrier I identified in my article “The Foundations of Men’s Community”: availability.
One thing I’ve noticed here in Charleston among various churches and church leadership is a lack of availability. And I can understand a lot of this. Pastors and church leaders may have a lot of responsibility, a lot of members within the church, and a lot of things to tend to.
But when a guy is going through a crisis and he turns to a church for help, he wants to find connection. He’s likely going to try to look for this first with someone in church leadership.
Is that man going to be available? This is the critical question.
It takes vulnerability and courage for a man going through something to approach another man and honestly share what’s happening in his life. And especially within the church, where as men it can feel like we’re supposed to have things all figured out because we have Jesus, it can be hard to admit we need support.
But here I see opportunity: churches have the opportunity to step up.
Available Opportunity
What do we need? We need men in churches who are available. They don’t have to be experts. They don’t have to be counselors. They don’t have to be professionals.
They need to be available.
Available to meet. Available to talk. And first and foremost, available to listen, especially when a guy is struggling.
Less ready to fix, correct, or say, “I’m praying for you” and walk away, and more ready to listen, sit down, look him in the eye, put a hand on his shoulder, and follow up with a phone call, a text, or a coffee.
Are there men who will stop, sit, and actually listen? Invite someone to coffee or over for dinner? Are there men willing to go a little further than just saying, “I’m praying for you,” and really extend a hand?
Yes, there are. And so, we need you.
We need older men—older men who are ready, willing, and available with time.
We need young men—young, single men who are interested, available, eager, and energetic.
And the middle-aged guys will come. When life hits, divorce happens, or something hard comes along, they’ll need a place to turn.
Moving Forward
I don’t think anybody really has a men’s community figured out. But one thing I do know is this: if men aren’t available on both sides, it’s not going to work. Men need to make themselves available through vulnerability to share their issues and struggles. And men need to be available to listen and walk alongside them.
The church can help. But it needs to be available. Men need all the support they can get.
-Alex Gerber, Charleston SC
A thought: you know those connection cards churches use? What if it was added in each one “do you need support? check here and we will connect with you”. The church could identify men willing to reach out to each struggling guy who is brave enough to check that box. Men who are ready to “bear burdens” and come alongside of them. Below is an example of a “men’s connect card”.
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