Connecting Men Series
As I’ve been exploring the topic of men and connection, one of the best places I can turn to to ask my questions is actual guys.
I recently asked a group of men what availability looks like, as it relates to connection. In the conversation and within the responses shared, I discovered a deeper theme: the difficulty men often have in asking for help.
I thought I would explore this topic within the context of marriage, because I believe that perhaps here, in the most intimate relationship a man can experience , there might be something that can bring some insight into how men connect– or feel disconnected.
So, I recently asked a few men this question:
If you are struggling, overwhelmed, or stressed, is it hard to ask your wife for help? Or, if divorced, was it hard to ask your ex for help?
I randomly selected several guys to respond to this question. Some were married, and some were divorced. With their permission, I’m sharing a few of their responses here:
“I rarely ask her for help. I feel like she’s always overwhelmed and stressed and asking me for help, so I’m trying to be rock solid for her and help her instead of asking her to help me.”
“No, we both have a pretty good understanding of the health complications that can come from being overwhelmed and stressed, so we try to combat it as much as we can.”
“Yes, it was hard. For a couple reasons. One, I was not good at being vulnerable and asking for help. I couldn’t even recognize if I needed help as well… I also realized I had ego and felt that if I asked for help, it meant I was a failure. It also felt that when I did ask for help or admitted weakness, my ex-wife would weaponize it later… It felt as if she would rather see me die in the saddle than fall off of it.”
“It was hard to do, definitely.”
“Not too hard.”
“It was a burden to her because it wasn’t planned. I couldn’t have feelings or struggle. Yet she wanted me to open up to her. However, it was tricky because it depended on her mood… Overall, I am the helper. I struggle to ask for help in any situation… Growing up, I didn’t really fit in. So I learned to do everything alone. I also think I view being a man as being strong. I just have to complete or get through whatever. I don’t see where I should have asked for help until afterwards.”
“I didn’t struggle with asking for help from friends or a mentor… But as far as asking for help from… my ex-wife… I was always pretty quick to ask for help. I didn’t feel too proud to ask for help most of the time. If anything, I struggled with asking my wife for too much help and being too open with her… I think my wife and I had a deep emotional vulnerability with each other, so it was easy to share everything.”
“…It’s honestly not hard for me. She’s a superwoman and I’m well aware that she’s more capable than me in many areas!”
“It was very hard for me to ask my wife for help. I never felt like I could be vulnerable with her. I felt like it would always send her into being more anxious and scared. Maybe there was a better way of doing it, but because she always struggled with anxiety, I didn’t want to make it any worse. I felt like I just needed to take care of it on my own.”
“She preemptively says she will not help. One of her many fears that controls her life is that if she helps too much, I’ll become dependent on that help.”
“To your question, I’ve actually had recent experience with this… I did share vulnerability and stress and that I was just at a point of saturation. I guess I thought there was still care there, maybe even help with closure and reconciliation/reconnection. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the positive or supportive response I was hoping for.”
Diving In
I do want to acknowledge limitations here. This is a small sample of men– and these may not be representative of all married or divorced men. Each perspective and experience is unique. But for me, they align with much of what I have observed and heard within many gatherings of men, and in conversations with married and divorced men, over the past 3 years.
I wasn’t quite sure what I would discover when I asked men this question. Now I’m left, honestly, with more questions. But across the different responses, a few things have been sticking out to me.
The first is a man’s realization or recognition that he needs help. Having the self-awareness to recognize that you’re overwhelmed, stressed, or struggling—that what you’re carrying may become too much and may overflow and impact others—is an important step.
The second component is the ability to ask for help. I see this being affected by both internal and external barriers. Internally, a man may worry about what might happen if he shares his struggles. His perception of what the outcome might be, or the risk he might be taking, will impact his willingness to share. There’s also an element of trust in the relationship itself—in this case, the intimacy within the marriage relationship. Is there trust? Can he safely bring this to his spouse? Will it be used against him? Will he be exploited? Will he be viewed as weak or vulnerable, either in her eyes or in his own? Pride also hinders the ability to ask for help.
Positively, several of the responses indicated that a significant amount of trust and teamwork were present within the relationship. A few guys had no difficulty asking for help. It made me wonder if this question could provide insight into the relationship itself—the safety, the level of trust, the connection, the teamwork, and the cooperation within the marriage.
The third thing that I observed from these responses is that many of us men have simply learned to do things on our own. It’s been an acquired pattern over time, a habit. For whatever reason, we just continue trying on our own. It seems to be pretty ingrained.
I’ve seen this, especially when men go through divorce. And that’s why I felt sad when I read the responses from divorced men. Many of them expressed difficulty asking for help, concerns over how she might react, fear, anxiety, as well as insecurity in the relationship, and past inadequacy in their own sense of identity. All of these factors together seemed to create a less fruitful environment for asking for help, and perhaps a more disconnected man.
So what might be the biggest takeaway from this article?
For me, it was about perception. It was about what a man believes might happen when he asks for help.
As men, I think we can often see a cost in asking for help. We may take into great consideration the weight of that cost when deciding whether it is worth the risk. And within marriage, where it should be that asking for help when we’re struggling, overwhelmed, or exhausted would be the easiest or safest, at times it isn’t.
Moving Forward
Here, the conversation moves deeper than the topic of availability. In this, I have focused the conversation on struggling men– the ones who might be seeking connection the most. A struggling man may become a disconnected man. And he might stay disconnected if he can’t ask for or receive the help he needs.
But, what can we learn from the responses where husbands do feel okay asking for help? What’s different there? Is there more teamwork? Greater trust? Deeper safety? A stronger sense of identity? These responses may tell us just as much, if not more, than the ones where asking for help is, or was, difficult.
And so to conclude, I’d invite your feedback and responses.
What do you think?
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Author’s note: I’ve been a disconnected man. I’ve been disconnected in marriage. I’ve been disconnected in divorce. And so it’s easy for me to understand many of these responses. Here’s the interesting thing– all of us men are wired for connection. There is something placed deep within us that desperately longs for it. Where is that from, and what do we do to satisfy it?
For me, the scariest, loneliest place I ever was as a man was when I was disconnected from the One who put that desire within me. And when I understood how to connect with God, everything changed.
If you are curious and want to know more, give me a call. 803-237-0628. If you are a disconnected man, I’ll tell you today: God wants to connect with you. Just ask Him.
more from this series…